Grandma Duck
I was chatting after work with a friend and told her my grandmother was visiting. "Oh, the one who bakes!" she said. "No, this grandmother never was a baker" I replied, "you're thinking of my other grandmother who passed away a few years ago." Truthfully, at this grandmother's house baking meant getting out the loaf of Mary Jane and using cookie cutters to cut shapes out of the slices of soft white bread. Then we sprinkled them with cinnamon sugar, toasted them and voila, cookies. I called her my Grandma Duck, simply because there were always ducks in her yard; she lived on the water.
Grandma Duck was a femme fatale, long, long legs, blond hair, blue eyes, bodacious tatas and a great sense of style. She was a good cook but it was sensible New England cooking, roasts, potatoes, baked dinners and the like. Many of my early memories include her long brown Cadillac coupe with cream leather interior. We would tool around the town in it when she wasn't working, shopping at Thalhimers, going out to lunch and doing what seemed to me like nothing but fun.
Grandma Duck was exotic to me; she and my grandfather were always taking trips to Europe, or riding camels in a desert somewhere. They owned an auto parts distributorship and worked in it together. Papa, my grandfather, would take the orders, and my grandmother would drive around in a little truck delivering them. They earned what seemed to me like a fortune at the time, as far as I could tell they had gobs of money. By this I mean that we could afford to go out to lunch, which my parents told me was too expensive to do on a regular basis. I was used to lunches at home or in a brown bag. We could shop and buy things at full price, and my grandmother had jewelry that sparkled. As an adult of course, I realize that they did well but their house wasn't really the mansion it seemed to me at the time and they also worked very hard together for their money as small business owners.
My grandmother was also irreverent, a quality I had not observed in other adults I had been around previously. My mom was small, quiet, pretty and smart, my grandmother was tall, vivacious, and no holds barred. "Quit being so bookish," she would say to my mom and I. "The more you know, the more people will expect you to do" was one of my favorite things that she used to tell us. Oh, also, "Don't hurry, don't worry and DON'T volunteer." My mom and I would attempt to look like we were more fun and less stick in the muddish under my grandmother's watchful gaze. Grandma Duck taught me things no other adult would, "Yes ma'am, no ma'am, thank you ma'am please. Open up the turkey's tail and give me some peas" was her favorite grace at dinner despite being a devout Catholic. When I was at her house watching TV she would stand in front of the television set, wiggle her tush and say, "Nanny nanny boo boo!"
My grandmother's love story with my grandfather was also unusual. He is actually my step grandfather, my mother's father died of cancer before I was born, while my mother was in college. My grandmother was dating my grandfather when my mother became pregnant with me. The story goes, that my grandmother told my grandfather that he had to marry her because I needed a grandfather. Reportedly, the deal also included a blue Cadillac convertible for my grandmother to drive, we should all be so good at negotiation.
A number of years ago we noticed that my grandmother's behavior began to change, it was subtle at first. Then she became forgetful, more and more noticeably. She refused any intervention into her medical affairs which was her right. By the time my mother was able to intervene it had become quite noticeable. Her physician asked her to do some simple cognitive tests in her office, none of which she was able to complete. Draw the face of a clock, count backwards by fives, that sort of thing. Later, there was the loss of her license and that brought with it a decline in socializing at the senior center. Who would take her? My mom is still working full time and my grandmother was the only one of the "old people" who had been driving.
My grandmother's sister, Tante T., had died of Alzheimer's a number of years ago, which made it even more frightening for her. "Is it like T.?" she would ask. "Why is this happening to me? I hate it." she still says. We hate the disease too we say, and we do. We tried to volunteer for a Mayo Clinic study for families with Alzheimer's but we needed samples from two people with Alzheimer's in our family to participate, the rest of us without could then be tested and monitored. I don't think anyone in T.'s family thought that there would be a reason to save a sample of her blood/tissue etc. for later testing. We would like to help eradicate this disease for the millions of baby boomers it has begun its steady march to disable. People who are now active who will soon certainly be unable to continue the activities of daily living on their own. The current drugs only buy you a few extra months, slowing the march of the disease only minimally we have been told.
Grandma Duck has taken several of the different Alzheimer's medicines, just in case they might slow the disease. Six months ago she could order from a restaurant menu and tell you what she wanted. Now she asks us what she orders from each type of restaurant, "what do I like here?" she will ask my mom. Grandma Duck can no longer understand the menu. She is nervous about making a mistake, cognizant of the fact that she might mistake my pajama bottoms for her own pants. Cursing herself under her breath when she inevitably does the wrong thing.
My mom tries to remain calm, and most of the time she is. It's not easy, she has a full time job and can't retire for six more years, a mother with Alzheimer's and a stepfather who has had several strokes, one good eye, active leukemia and run over himself with his truck twice, but that's another story. Oh, and did I mention that three months ago my grandparents house burned down due to an electrical fire and they are now living with my mother in a 1000 square foot cottage with two dogs and two cats? Apparently, the insurance company and the city are not in any great rush to rebuild. Before it's all over my mother may require a Pinot Grigio IV, STAT!
I watch with a heavy heart while this vile disease drags my Grandma Duck under its murky waters. I know that soon she will be unrecognizable as the woman I know and I to her, that is the cruelest arrow that Alzheimer's reserves in the quiver. When my mom and grandmother came to visit for Mother's Day this past weekend I only planned on taking Thursday and Friday off. I decided to take one extra day, I'm not sure how many more my grandmother and I will have to know each other.
To Make a Gift to Mayo Clinic Research
Mayo Clinic's Birdsall Researchbuilding on the Jacksonville campus is home to their Neuroscience Research program where there are 14 labs. Visit their site to find out more info about the projected Alzheimer's epidemic in coming years.
As a disclaimer, I should mention that I am a former employee of Mayo Clinic and thus hold them in the highest esteem. The views on this website/blog are my own and in no way reflect the views of Mayo Clinic.