I am at about that age when birth control pills begin to come with a black box warning. So, if I take them, reportedly I am at a higher risk of having a clotted leg that will have to be removed, or my head will explode in a ghastly way. Because of this, UberGeek and I have begun the earnest discussion of what to do in order to prevent the creation of any new Divas or Eddies.
If things had been just a little different, this all would have been solved when Diva and Eddie were born. Although I planned for a natural childbirth, I informed my OB that should things not work out, and he had to give me a c-section, he was to go ahead and tie the old tubes in a BIG FAT knot. He gave me a kind look, the sort he probably gives to all of his crazy, hormone addled, 8 months pregnant with twins patients, and told me, "Kristie, you are so young, let's just wait until the time comes, you might change your mind." That is when I grabbed him by the collar, pulled him so close to me that he could smell the frozen cream puffs on my breath, and told him that if he didn't do it I would take hold of the sterile tubing and do it myself. I'm making that part up, actually, but it did happen in my mind. In reality, I just smiled at him and said, "OK, but I am telling you, I do not ever want to be pregnant again." "There are other options" he replied calmly.
Now my children are five, and although I would like one more child, I am still very sure that I do not want to be pregnant again. I had enough complications to last for a lifetime the first pregnancy, and I am not willing to roll the dice again; it's not fair to Eddie or Diva. Recently, I approached UberGeek about making things permanent. Among his close counterparts, he is one of the "Last of the Mohicans" so to speak, the few unclipped. Whenever I mention the prospect of a vasectomy, UberGeek's eyes get wide, then I can tell that his mind starts churning, and this is what he comes up with, "I'm not getting one of those, they don't work."
UberGeek is of course referring to a friend who got a vasectomy from a prominent urologist. The man has super sperm; this is a couple who can stand too close to each other on a wet floor, then she gets pregnant. He had the vasectomy; they didn't quite get the final count back, and welcomed a final child to their beautiful family. He had to get the procedure performed a second time, reportedly this is the only similar case in the surgeon's career.
We, on the other hand, are not that couple, but it is a good excuse for UberGeek. After a year of attempting to convince him that a vasectomy would be in everyone's best interest, I told him I would get a tubal ligation. I have vague memories of people getting them years ago, days were spent recuperating, and so I let UberGeek know that it would be a long recovery. I had visions of a couple days at the beautiful new Mayo Clinic hospital with a flat screen TV, IV drugs, clean sheets, my own nurse and a lot of magazines. This would be followed by a couple days of quiet time at home while the kids were off at school.
Off I went to see my primary care physician, who I have known for ten years. I told him that UberGeek, who is also his patient, was being stubborn about the vasectomy and that I was thinking of a tubal. I wanted to know how much of a recovery at Mayo I would get. He laughed, then said, "Seriously Kristie? We replace portions of people's intestines as an outpatient procedure, you are so not getting any time in the hospital; it's an outpatient procedure."
Outpatient is a whole different ballgame. Outpatient means I will return home after something painful and have to slog around trying to keep the house tidy, wash the dishes, answer questions, fold laundry and watch tumbleweeds of animal hair go by. I won't want to let it all pile up for a couple days while I relax and recover. UberGeek will be wound tight trying to keep the kids busy; there won't be anyone to wait on me, so I will attempt to do too much too soon. I know how it will go. It's much better that he get the vasectomy because I am better equipped to wait on him and the kids all at once; women are better at multitasking, at least in this family.
There will be no tubal ligation vacation, time to pursue other options.